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| a month later
it's not going so well
i feel real empty
i think it's going to end
phone calls every night
are all routine
he's so excited for college
i can't deal with it
he's excited for new friends
i don't want him
to have new friends
i want to be his only friend
i'm selfish
i want the excitement back
can't we just start over?
melodramatic | | |
| I really enjoyed that last entry i wrote. I feel like it was very accurate and concise.
this post, not so much.
maybe it got to the point when i realized how damn close we are and how much that scares me
and here comes the pushing away
here comes the search of reasons, to hate you
and here i am, hating you
you steal, you have bad friends, you are easily influenced
and here are the reasons to hate myself
i let myself seem perfect. super not girl
i am jealous, i am insecure, i am needy, and i am easily influenced, so you can't be.
i need you more than you need me, and that can't do
i am still hurt you went home. it hurts that you didn't naturally want to stay with me as long as i was around
it hurts me when you think you have to come visit me only because i am a mess
i try to shelter you so much from my negative feelings
i pretend to support you in doing whatever the fuck you want. super not girl
so this is what i do
sit on the computer and cry to all my other friends. who know so much more about our relationship then you ever would
sometimes i forget you have feelings too, i wonder what they're like. oh wait, you're a boy. buried.
i have buried so much more than you could imagine
I just text messaged the boy from last year. He won't answer. I won't care as much from before.
I need brian and I to be alright again. I miss it a lot, I want it back.
My headphones are too incredible. Music just takes over. | | |
| hot damn!
this thing needs an update.
i still like you know who.
but i have a boyfriend now, so i'm distracted. which is very good.
i spend a lot of money. a lot. like..well over $1000 dollars in the last five weeks.
i just want a lot of things. like seeing jason moran and the bandwagon play at the jazz standard tonight.
or seeing a movie in theaters once a week.
or buying pot and alcohol.
my money is mostly spent on food though. but i also frequent the city which wastes a lot of money as well.
i am currently wearing $300 bose headphones.
all together, i spent $3,500 on my computer + its accesories.
this is BAD, because i don't have that money to spend and i'm pretty certain my family has to move soon because we can't afford living in this town + college.
i go to sleep at 3am everyday. and wake up at 1pm. it's rather miserable.
on my livejournal i have to pretend everything is dandy though--i have an anonymous reader that likes to post nasty comments.
i'm going on a family cruise soon, and i am horrified of it.
my family and i do not get along well. at all.
i think i'm getting a fake i.d.
i am actually a complete mess right now, but i have somehow mastered the art of being emotionless.
my head tells me i should be a wreck right now, it scares me that i'm not. but doesn't scare me enough to cry over it.
i'm done with high school. i'm going to college. northeastern university, to be specific.
i'm not excited. i won't know the scene there.
it's amazing how i've stayed in contact with my high school friends.
actually, it's not amazing at all. considering i graduated less than a month ago.
however, i have solidifed more friendships, and i have hung out with people i did not expect to hang out with.
i think i'm on a tight schedule today.
i have to bake out my car and go to the jazz standard
but i don't know how long i'll be high for. whatever.
someone help me
| | |
| i LOVE showing cleavage
is that weird? | | |
| i miss pouring my heart out into this thing.
sorta.
i'm still pretty much the same.
ralph is being ridiculous about prom.
i am being ridiculous about prom.
i'm depressed today's brielle's last day.
i get jealous everytime i see him with her
i get jealous everytime her name is mentioned
(not brielle, obviously)
i am sick of all the drama that is going on at school, which is probably why i'm depressed brielle is leaving.
there's no drama with her, because she is only back on breaks.
it's spring and i'm changing all my friends. as usual.
it's spring and there are falling outs everywhere.
it's spring and it's going to be beauitful out and i'm going to be sad.
i pictured every season with you, and it always made me smile.
we had such potential. we would have been so cute.
but you moved on, while i watched.
i like seeing you all the time, but that happens in cycles.
everytime i find more reasons to like you
everytime i smile this sad smile
whoever gets you is very lucky
and i still can't help but hope, that that'll be me.
i don't mind waiting, that's why i can't move on.
that's why i hate myself
it's my fault things are the way they are, i brought this on to myself. and i can't get out.
now that she's leaving, i won't see you outside
only in hallways.
i wish you'd take interest in me again.
and call me make a move i swear i'll be easy
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